2003 State of the Universe Address
Hello everybody -- it is great
to be here ... and you know what? We really have no
choice. Because no matter where we are, we are always
here. And it is always now. In fact, there's even a
book called The Power of Now. I haven't had time to
read it yet, but I hope to get to it in a later now.
Meanwhile, back in this now,
the issue facing the United States, and indeed the world
is, will George Bush give in to his Big Iraq Attack
and order up a war? Latest reports say that a war to
force a regime change in Iraq will cost $200 billion.
It is puzzling to me why some of those fiscal fitness
fanatics in the Republican Party haven't tried to find
a cheaper way to do it. Maybe if they offered the Iraqis
half -- $100 billion -- they could do it themselves.
Then we'd still have $100 billion
left to spend on regime change in this country.
Because -- and I have to be blunt
here -- the folks we have in charge are fossils fueled
by fossil fuels. And in the reptilian brain, problems
aren't solved, they're attacked.
Like the War on Poverty. Remember
that? I'm happy to report that it's finally over. The
poor people have all surrendered. And take the War on
Drugs -- please! How many billions have they spent?
My solution is cheaper and more effective ... improve
Now we have the War on Terrorism.
We're going to terrorize those terrorists into giving
up terrorism if it's the last thing we do! And it just
might be. The good news is ? and I have it on the Highest
Authority -- there will indeed be peace on Earth. Whether
we humans are around to enjoy it, that is up to us.
No wonder there is so much fear,
uncertainty and confusion on the planet. I'll tell you
how bad it's gotten. You've heard of Heisenberg's Uncertainty
Principle? Well, they're not even sure about THAT anymore.
And so, more and more people are turning to the mystics
I have often said there are two
kinds of mystics, the optimystics and the pessimystics.
Now pessimystics seem to be more in touch with "reality,"
but optimystics are happier and live longer for some
reason. The pessimystics have been crying, "The
sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The optimystics
say, "No. It just looks that way because we are
Now, for those people who read
the news -- not to mention those unfortunate enough
to BE in the news -- last year was not an easy year
to keep an optimystic attitude with so much pessimystic
evidence. Call me a hopeless "hopium" addict,
but I choose to accentuate the positive. For example,
you can say we human beings have moved further down
the path of self-destruction. Or you could say the Earth
is ridding itself of a virulent parasite.
You can despair over continuing
war, disease and starvation, or you can go, "Hey,
population control the good, old fashioned way -- without
birth control or abortion." Who says compassionate
conservative" is an oxymoron? You can worry about
the government taking liberties with our liberties or
you can say, "Life has become simpler! They've
boiled the Bill of Rights down to just one: You have
the right to remain silent."
So I am not going to dwell on
the negative. As my guru Harry Cohen Baba used to say,
"Life is like photography ... we use the negative
to develop." So let us look at the bright side.
Like technological advances,
for example. Forty years ago President John F. Kennedy
promised to have a man on the moon by the end of the
1960s. Well, we have far exceeded that. Thanks to the
so-called Patriot Act, George Bush can have a man on
Uranus by the end of the week!
George Bush was responsible for
a great spiritual advance last year, as well. He upgraded
the Golden Rule for the new millennium. It's now the
Gold Rule: "Doodoo unto others before they can
doodoo unto you."
And -- say what you will -- President
Bush has made great strides on behalf of minority representation.
Never before have we had a President who was looking
out for a smaller minority.
Now this is the State of the
Universe Address, and seen from that higher perspective,
things look great! I am happy to report that the Universe
continued to expand in 2002, and in fact, they actually
had to let the Photon Belt out a another notch. An expanding
Universe means more jobs too, so we can expect a steady
influx of aliens looking for work. Yep, the Universe
just keeps purring in perfection, ever-changing as usual.
The planets continue to harmoniously spin in their orbits,
and except for the occasional case of asteroids, they
just calmly go about their business.
Meanwhile, back here on earth,
things are a bit more problematical. We still haven't
fully recovered from that vicious dogma attack of 911.
But as an optimystic, I believe you can indeed teach
an old dogma new tricks, simply by changing the emPHAsis
to another sylLABle. Instead of focusing only on emergency
measures, why not take emerge 'n SEE measures? When
we emerge from our fearful hiding places and see from
the cosmic comic perspective, we realize that beneath
all the stress and distress and sadness in life there
is a deep well of joy. Each time we let laughter bubble
up from the well, we experience deep wellness. Levity
helps us overcome gravity, especially when we shine
the light of laughter on those poorly-lit corridors
Do you know what the leading
cause of terrorism is? It's seriousness. I'm serious.
Think about it. Those people have no sense of humor.
Otherwise how could they believe they will get to heaven
by putting other people through hell?
Here is my vision: A suicide
bomber arrives at the Gates of Heaven, and God clops
him over the head and says, "SCHMUCK! What'd you
do that for? 72 virgins? YOU get one 72-year-old virgin,
and his name starts with Ayatollah!"
But if Americans are willing
to revive the Iraqi Horror Picture Show just to feed
our out-of-control oil habit, how are we that different?
How many innocents will be put through hell, just to
preserve our little corner of relative heaven? There
is no real peace without harmony and balance, only the
vicious cycle of injustice. Peons get tired of getting
peed on, right? You get pissed on, and pretty soon you're
gonna get pissed off. This causes the hot spots to flare,
and pretty soon you have an uprising, which usually
results in a downfall. All these uprisings and downfalls
can be wearing on the body politic.
Fortunately, we do have a choice.
One of my favorite stories recently is about a Native
American grandfather talking to his young grandson.
He tells the boy he has two wolves inside of him struggling
with each other. The first is the wolf of peace, love
and kindness. The other wolf is fear, greed and hatred.
"Which wolf will win, grandfather?" asks the
young boy. "Whichever one I feed," is the
Every day -- every moment --
we have the choice to feed the wolf of love or the wolf
of fear. It is interesting that we are called humanKIND.
What better time than now to find out, can mankind treat
I have a dream ... I call it
tell-a-vision. I say, if you're dissatisfied with the
current programming, you can turn off your TV and tell
a vision instead. Here is my vision: Remember the Manhattan
Project during World War II? It took less than four
years for a group of scientists to develop the first
weapon of mass destruction. My vision is, we can do
even better for an even worthier goal. We could call
it the Manhelpin Project, and its purpose would be to
develop the first weapon of mass construction instead.
Think about it. What if we used that $200 billion set
to detonate in Iraq, and put it toward becoming the
worldwide leader in renewable, clean, sustainable energy
sources? Now there's some real power. Create something
so plentiful you don't have to pay an army to protect
your share. A healthy income, a healthy outcome ...
what could possibly make more sense? Boy, talk about
feeding two birds with one scone!
The choice is up to us. If we
want an alternative, we must feed the "alter native"
economy ... anything that alters us natives for the
better. The world we live in is a byproduct of the products
we buy, is it not? What if we only choose to buy products
with healthy byproducts? Think about this: There are
at least 45 million Americans who consciously want to
feed the wolf of peace. If each of us switched just
$100 into the alter native economy, that would be $4.5
Last year, we launched a blisskrieg
and declared "all out peace." I'm happy to
report it is already working. More people are letting
their inner peace out, and these outbreaks of peace
are actually causing esteem to rise! And we all know
that rising esteem is good for the atmosphere.
As esteem rises, more people
on the planet will be able to be all that they can be
-- without joining the army. And when more of us put
our energy into love and laughter instead of criticizing
and condemning, we will have Uncritical Mass ... and
we will bring about Nonjudgment Day, and along with
it, Disarmaggedon. Now you might be wondering, what
will Nonjudgment Day look like? Let me tell another
I have been to the heights of
levity, and I have seen people all over the world dancing
together in the universal dance of fool realization
... The Hokey Pokey. I want you to hold this vision
with me: all of the world leaders at the United Nations
beginning their sessions with the Hokey Pokey.
What if Ariel Sharon and Yasser
Arafat put their whole selves in? That would be commitment.
And then pulled their whole selves out. That is detachment.
Then they turn themselves around, which is transformation.
And that, my friends, is what it is all about!
So, how can you help raise the
laugh force on the planet enough to bring about Nonjudgment
Day? First, you can take a vow of levity, and laugh
more. And we even have a Laughmore Society to help you
do just that. Next, you can support everyone's right
to laugh by joining the Right To Laugh Party... "One
big party, everyone is invited. All for fun, and fun
for all." Commit random acts of comedy. Practice
Fun Shui and leave the world a funnier place. Anything
to elicit a moment of fool-realization with a spark
of laughter. Because only when we lovingly laugh at
our foolishness, can we seriously change things for
the better . May you wake up laughing and leave laughter
in your wake ... and may the Farce be with you!
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